KISS - Keep it Simple (Sure...)

I like simple. I really, really like simple. I used to like complex, when I was young and had enough energy to enjoy the challenge of complex. But at this stage of my life I really, really like simple.

Years ago I became aware of a book called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. I read it and a light went on in my head. It was easy to read, interesting, I could put myself and others I know into the categories identified by the author, and I could put it to immediate use. Best of all, it worked!

The concept? Simple! There are basically five ways of interacting on a personal level. They are: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and deeds of service. These are like five language's, and we all "speak" one "fluently," meaning it is the language that makes us feel most loved. Unfortunately, if the person we love doesn't understand us when we speak the language that makes us feel loved, then that person doesn't feel loved because we aren't speaking his or her language. With me so far?

My love language, for example, is words of affirmation. My husband's is deeds of service. I can tell him nice things up one side and down the other, but it isn't until I do something for him... pour him a cup of coffee, find his keys, put a shirt and tie together, cook his favorite dinner -- that he feels loved. If he does things for me, he's speaking his language, not mine. It's when he says nice things to me that I feel loved.

So the point is to identify the language of the person you love, and make sure you are speaking his or her language , not your own. Likewise, he or she needs to identify your love language and use it with you. It takes effort, and practice. Effort, because it's much easier to just use our own language with someone else, than it is to learn to speak his or her language. Practice because this keeps the concept alive, and keeps us from reverting to what we've "spoken" in the past (that may not have worked so well). If you aren't willing to become bi-lingual, it's a pretty clear sign that you don't care much about the other person in the relationship. Which is why so many relationships fail. They are too often "all about me."

Relationships, by nature, are complex. Anything we can do to simplify them is an improvement, even if it means backing off and backing away. If you've ever watched a soap opera you'll be keenly ware of relationships spiraling, ever spiralling... out of control. Drama, drama, drama, nothing but problems, with no solutions in sight. (If, for example, Kirsten simply learned to speak Lance's love language and vice versa, there would be no story! ) Viewers get sucked into the show because, I believe, we all harbor a hint of hope at some level of our psyche. Sooner or later it just has to work out, right? So we keep watching. And hoping. And it's the writers' job to keep us on the hook, almost but never quite satisfied.

I don't watch soap operas ( for the same reason I don't play golf. Life is frustrating enough without it.) Simply put, every relationship rests upon needs that are or are not being met. Mutually. If they're not being met -- mutually -- it's time to move on. Life is not a soap opera -- unless you want it to be, since you're the writer. You can make it complex, or keep it simple.

Or change the channel. Watch the news... that's always good for a laugh.