A Church Wedding Brings Horses to My Mind

I went to a wedding yesterday. I didn't know the bride or groom or anyone else who was there, for that matter --except my daughter-in-law, who asked me to be "her date" when my son wasn't able to go with her. It was a sweet wedding -- church with stained glass windows, organ music, traditional "Bridal March," white dress and veil, and the most adorable little flower girl you would ever wish to see. I loved it! I'm such a sap for that sort of thing. I had to dab at my eyes and couldn't even tell you why at the time.

Looking back though, I think it may have been because a wedding is such a turning point in the lives of two people who haven't the foggiest idea what lies ahead of them. They're young (or not), in love, filled with hopes, overwhelmed by dreams, absolutely certain that their marriage will be like no other! For those --like me, who have been there, done that -- the eyes may mist over a bit because we know better.

Weddings such as this one are rare today, I'm sorry to say. So many couples just choose to live together, or run off to the courthouse or to an in-and-out chapel somewhere. To each his/her own, of course. Frank and I had a very simple ceremony ourselves, but it wasn't the first for either of us. My first was as traditional as the one I went to yesterday, and it only lasted seven years, six and five-sixths of which were unhappy -- so who am I to say what's best and what's not? But that's not the point.

The point is that a wedding marks a new beginning, by virtue of which it also marks an ending. Two innocents who have been romancing each other cloaked in moonlight and love songs are now buckling in to partner up in the business of facing reality. Not always a smooth ride. So a wedding is a happy occasion, but also a sad one in a way.

Yesterday's blushing bride and glowing groom met through a dating service on line. Their first phone conversation lasted seven hours! They dated for two years before taking the big step. I genuinely wish them all the best. But at my age I've seen the rise and fall of so many marriages, this may be another reason why I fought yesterday to hold back tears. I have my views about what makes the difference between a good one and a bad one.

In my opinion, the marriage that lasts is the marriage of two people who, without even thinking about it, each put the other's happiness above their own.... who both put the happiness of the other above their own. Doesn't work if only one of them "gets" this. It absolutely must be reciprocal, and natural (as opposed to forced). Marriage is like two horses pulling a cart, where sometimes one is weaker so the other has to be stronger, one is tired so the other has to pull harder, and that switches off from time to time, working out evenly enough that the cart continues moving forward despite stops and starts, pot holes in the road, and an occasional storm that hits with or without relent. Each horse is looking out for the other. Neither one can make it "all about me."

I know for a fact that sometimes on an easy trail, a horse becomes complacent. Lets the mind wander. Maybe stubs a toe, which brings the outer world back into sharp focus. I also know sometimes a horse remains tense, hyper vigilant, spooking now and then or even running out of control. Putting a good team together means finding personalities that complement each other. One horse may calm the other down, or perk the other up, and they can then function more efficiently than either would without the other.

Energy is ever flowing, however. Changes are constant and erratic. A problem arises when the give and take between members of a team wobbles out of balance. If one carries the load for too long while the other slacks off and settles into a comfortable rut, the writing is on the wall and it ain't directions to the winner's circle. That's why horses must (repeat must) pay close, constant attention with the intention of staying on track and reaching their goal... together.

When I hear young people talk about how hard marriage can be I say, "Yes, yes, I know, I know. Frank and I are coming up on 35 years and we're still working at it." Divorce is difficult as well -- though in many ways much easier today than "back when." I say as long as a couple is willing to work at one (marriage) or the other (divorce) -- it's always better to build something you've committed to than to tear it down and go separate ways (often to repeat past mistakes).

Bottom line: There's nothing better than a good marriage and nothing worse than a bad one, but relationships don't steer themselves. We hold the reins. The responsibility rests in our hands.