The Most Bizarre E-mail I've Ever Received

My blog before this one was a heartfelt expression of my thoughts and feelings about a friend named Jane, an unfortunate victim of a stroke. Last week we received an invitation to meet with some of her friends, but we declined because we had already planned to make the 1-1/2-hour drive to visit Jane herself, just a day before the gathering. After our visit I received an e-mail from the woman who had invited us, asking me how our visit with Jane went. I responded politely, and suggested she might like to read my blog. She then replied to me with the most bizarre e-mail I've ever received. It appears here, with her name deleted.

From: .... [mailto:...@yahoo.com] Sent: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:03 PMTo: Ginny LucasSubject: Re: Jane

Jesus Christ, oh God, you were not there for any of this. What a jackass you are. Ha ha I read your blog. We have been there from day one trying to help our Jane. Gads, get a grip on yourself you stupid fool and go back there and try to help Jane as I have done since we saved her life thinking she had the flu back on March 24th. She asked for my help & my husband & I gave it, saving her life, following her from hospital to hospital, moving her possessions, answering the calls of her nurses & doctors daily, taking care of her car, her possessions, watching out for Jane. Wow, who are you or what you have to do with Jane we will never know everyone else, tons of people have tried to help her. Your blog is bullshit and you are a fool for writing it about our Jane.

On a personal note, I was first absolutely astonished, and then plain pissed. From the perspective of psychology, I found this an interesting study and a sad display of emotional disturbance. When Frank read it he was appalled. He and I talked about it, and discussed whether or not I should even dignify it with an answer. After careful deliberation, I sent the following to "...."

We’ve known Jane about twenty-five years, but were not in close touch. Two or three times a year one of us would call the other and talk for an hour or so. It was always as though no time at all had passed since the last call. Every few years she would come and stay with us for several days. Everyone in the family enjoyed dropping by to see her.

Had we lived in San Jose and had she called us, we would have done for her exactly what you and your husband did. I find it sad that, instead of feeling grateful that you were in a position to help, and proud of yourself for taking on such a monumental responsibility, and honored to be the people she turned to in need, you are apparently resentful and bitter, and certainly hateful. This boggles my mind. I find it hard to believe that Jane would have a friend of your caliber… arrogant, petty and so vitriolic. Obviously your connection with her isn’t grounded in her love of Buddhism.

I know Jane well enough to know how she would feel about what I’ve written, and how she would feel about what you have written. You are bitching in tone about what an imposition it was to “save her life” and implying that no one else has the right to hurt for her because they didn’t do what you did. How pompous of you.

My husband and I will visit Jane as and when we choose to. And certainly not because you have TOLD us to. Excuse me but who the hell do you think YOU are? We were told by staff that she is not, cannot process mentally, and has little if any recognition of visitors. Based on the tone of your irrational, rude, in fact despicable e-mail, do you think for one second I would place greater value in what you say about her condition, than what they say?

And by the way, touching though it is that you call her “our Jane,” she does not belong to you or to anyone else. Your thinking so, hints of a God complex. Your involvement and long term stress has obviously taken its toll on you. You might want to seriously consider getting professional help.

Don’t bother responding.

We blocked any future e-mail from her, because it goes without saying that you cannot carry on a rational exchange with an irrational person. I was sincere in my suggestion that she seek professional help. Raw emotions can be ugly monsters that raise their head to strike out at others, and if you care about those others, you do what you can to calm them, even if it is after the fact. That's what therapy is all about, and of course the concept of forgiveness, inherent to all major religions. "...." obviously doesn't care about me, which is perfectly fine. I hope she cares enough about herself though, to come to healthy terms with her psychological upheaval.

To mix metaphors, there will be no fence mending between "...." and me. Fence mending takes time and energy, both of which diminish as we grow older. I don't have as much of either, as I used to. I've learned in my old age to save my time and energy for the relationships that are near and dear, and even then I no longer rush in where I'm not wanted, to try to do the job alone. It isn't enough that I care. Others have to care too, if there is to be a fix.

As for "...." the fact is I don't care about her anymore than she cares about me, except to be thankful that there was someone in a position to handle matters for Jane when she could no longer do so herself. I find it regrettable, however, that this person's participation didn't elevate her to a higher place. I wish her well.

And hope to hell her path never crosses mine again.